Friday, October 15, 2004

I'm posting for the second time today because I just put Nutmeg to bed and I'm so overwhelmed with love and with the impending loss of the baby as she is replaced by the little girl. I called her Daddy a little before 7, and was disappointed to hear that he had to work "a while" longer and that I would be alone with the baby for dinner and what entertainment I could find on a Friday night at home. I complained to him because I'd been alone with Nutmeg all week, including a couple of late-ish nights, and I didn't feel like I could take anymore. But then, after struggling to keep Nutmeg entertained while I made myself some dinner and ate it, we cuddled on the couch together and watched a video. I tried holding Nutmeg on my chest the way I used to when she was just a tiny nub, but she kept lifting herself up on her arms and looking around, or looking up at my face and grinning and touching my chin. She really wanted to sit up like a big person, so I set her up on my tummy and we watched old episodes of The Monkees together. I looked down to see her facial expression, and felt disappointed to see that she had gone to sleep on me. I realized then that I am usually so anxious for her to go to sleep and give me some freedom. But she's becoming a personality lately, there's somebody there behind those blue eyes who plays peek-a-boo and thinks it's hilarious. And I thought, before I know it this baby who I'm always trying to escape will have escaped from me.

2 comments:

Ann D said...

I totally understand those feelings -- how there are moments in motherhood when you can literally feel your children growing up before your eyes. It kind of feels like a moment in a movie when the camera shot is receeding in slow motion, except that in this case you feel that your child's childhood is slipping by frame by frame. It can be very poignant.

Ann
http://anndouglas.blogspot.com

Ann D said...

moments in motherhood when you can literally feel your children growing up before your eyes. It kind of feels like a moment in a movie when the camera shot is receeding in slow motion, except that in this case you feel that your child's childhood is slipping by frame by frame. It can be very poignant.

Ann
http://anndouglas.blogspot.com